Dear Special Parent,
Parenting multiple children is an intricate dance, especially in families where developmental disabilities play a significant role. I am the mother of two incredible children — Aiden, my bright and energetic son; and Lexi, my tender-hearted daughter who lives with Rett Syndrome. My efforts to balance their needs have taught me innumerable and invaluable lessons, a few of which I humbly share.
I have always strived to find activities that bridge my children’s different worlds, fostering a connection between them. Interactive storybook and music sessions are family favorites, allowing Aiden and Lexi to enjoy shared experiences that cater to their shared interests while strengthening their bond.
A recent morning at a duck pond vividly illustrates their beautiful connection. During a brief break from our busy lives, we savored the tranquility of nature. Aiden, full of enthusiasm, showed Lexi how to feed the ducks — a simple yet profoundly meaningful activity. Often physically limited in her ability to engage in typical childhood activities, Lexi was captivated by the ducks, her face lighting up with joy each time they approached.
Observing Aiden modify his robust throws into gentle tosses so that Lexi could join in was a touching demonstration of the intuitive care siblings can provide. This moment transcended mere duck feeding; it was a wonder-filled experience, adapted to ensure that everyone could participate. It perfectly reflected our family ethos of adapting everyday joys to suit our unique dynamic.
The Art of Balance
Balancing the attention given to each of my children has been one of the toughest challenges in our family. Aiden, a “neurotypical” tween, has needs that are naturally different from Lexi's, whose life is extensively shaped by her disabilities. Lexi's requirements are often immediate and consuming, involving daily therapy sessions, education and healthcare coordination, and complex care routines that inherently demand much of my time and energy. Consequently, Aiden, mature far beyond his years, has often had to wait patiently while his sister’s needs are prioritized.
Admittedly, I have only recently come to a simple yet critical realization: genuinely supporting Aiden means recognizing him not just as an incredible and patient big brother, but as a developing child with his own unique needs. This knowing led me to pause, and to intentionally create space for Aiden to thrive independently. We have since instituted daily one-on-one time. If only for twenty minutes, Aiden has uninterrupted time to share his ideas and concerns; and I have an opportunity to energetically champion his individual pursuits. This adaptation, though seemingly minute, has provided Aiden with a sense of personal identity and achievement, which has meaningfully enhanced his emotional wellbeing.
Continuous Adaptation
Parenting Aiden and Lexi is a journey that highlights the critical importance of adaptability. To meet my children's individual needs while cultivating an inclusive and compassionate family atmosphere, I also:
Communicate openly
We discuss what’s happening in each corner of our family—the extent of my work obligations; why Lexi might require specific care, and how it might impact our family plans. This transparency helps everyone to understand and feel included in our family dynamic.
Celebrate individual achievements
We recognize both Aiden’s and Lexi’s milestones, regardless of their scale. Celebrating their achievements fosters a sense of accomplishment and self-worth in both of them.
To my fellow special parents courageously navigating similar and uncharted paths: I see you; I support you; I am you. Please know that you are not alone in your pursuit of balance.
Dr. Kimberly
Dr. Kimberly Idoko
Certified Special Parent Coach
Dr. Kimberly is the mother and fierce advocate of Aiden and Lexi; Lexi is developmentally disabled by Rett Syndrome. Dr. Kimberly is a board-certified neurologist in clinical practice for more than 15 years; she is also a children’s rights attorney — the former director of healthcare advocacy at a Los Angeles-based legal agency. She is Yale College, Penn Medicine, Columbia Business, and Stanford Law trained.
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